I can't believe it. Something happened and someone I care deeply about is very upset right now. I sincerely wish he wasn't hurting, but the selfish side of my brain is thinking of other things. That someone I care about so deeply has been cared about by me for over 1/3 of my lifetime (yeah... long time)... and I believe that my love for him has always been stronger than friendship, though I forced myself to forget about it over the past few years due to circumstance. Could this possibly be the small chance in hell that I never thought would be there again? Man, I wish I had the courage to tell him before it's too late for the 3rd fucking time. I need to talk to Bekah about this. No one else (except my best friend Jaime who has been around since the start) understands.
On other news, a Vietnamese guy sitting next to me at the blackjack table the other night (a high roller) gave me $75 worth of comps for a sports bar called Legends. The roommate and I each ordered an entree, each ordered an entree TO GO (plus 4 salads in all), got an appetizer, and then 3 slices of strawberry cheesecake to go, as well. Yum!
spacebot - 5:02 PM
Sunday, October 20, 2002
I finally hung out with my buddy Mark again... it had been too long because I'm a busy kiddo. He helped me get my linux box online. I'm excited because I got to download all the updates which has certainly optimized her performance. SuzieQ has been a little bitch lately.
The history midterm was Friday and I really hope he curves the hell out of it, because we'll need it for sure.
Gambling is fun and I am liking it better now that I'm not so addicted. Placing limits on yourself is a healthy thing to do in almost all aspects of life, I find.
I'm planning a trip down to FL to see my grandmother, aunt and cousins. I haven't seen my cousins in about 8 years, and before that we hung out at least once a year, if not more often. We were pretty close at one point, and I miss the hell out of them. Shit... it's weird because the last time they saw me was before my whole punk/body art phase... and now they will see me after all that. They are the only people I know who has known me before and after, but NOT during. Very interesting thought.
I like sending mail through the USPS instead of doing it electronically. I need more good old fashioned pen pals.
spacebot - 12:40 PM
Saturday, October 12, 2002
I haven't ridden my bike in a while because it was in the shop from the crashola, but I rode to work today and I was in such good shape from walking to/from school that I didn't even feel it.
Always keep a backup of the numbers programmed into your mobile phone. I almost lost mine and am now putting everything into my Palm (and HD) to avoid a catastrophe.
Sometimes I miss John, but sometimes I think about it and then decide that I'd rather not think about it... if that makes any sense. I'm not in a romantic delusion about this break-up... I mostly miss what I could still have (the friendship) if I wasn't too hurt right now to keep it exactly as it was. Lonliness sucks worst in the Wintertime.
This "coaching" I'm getting from Ashley is very cool. I have noticed a big difference so far in my anxiety levels. I think it has a good chance for success in eliminating my phobias... but I'll have to wait and see what happens. We ate at Zen Garden and the orange tofu was so friggin' good.
spacebot - 5:55 PM
Sunday, October 06, 2002
This weekend was a bit hard. John picked up the bed and we watched a movie (Sliding Doors) while he sat on the couch with his arms crossed, which was enough to make me feel uncomfortable. I really miss him, but I shouldn't stay in denial. It's over and I need to begin to face the friggin' facts. I'm so happy to have friends like Rebekah to call late at night and/or early in the morning when I really need to talk, who won't get pissed when I wake them up.
I got an A+ on my last art project! It was 8 different compositions using the same 5 shapes in each. Our professor is generally a hard grader, so I was surprised. He didn't like 2 out of 3 of my first set of projects at all. Right now we're working on pattern modules using Appleworks. I also took an exam for sociology and I'm crossing my fingers that I did well.
Today I will go to Sara and Craig's Sunday barbecue because I haven't been in about a month and we only have so many nice days left until Winter. Next weekend will be a long 4 day weekend, as it's "midterm break". I may plan to do something, but I'm thinking that the best thing for me to do may be to sleep in and relax.
Nothing else to report.
spacebot - 3:21 PM
